MOVIE HANGOVER: THE MUMMY

Hello, my little cherry blossoms! How have you all been?

I have been off my rocker and we all know it. I thought I could give up movie hangovers but they just can’t get enough of me. Tonight, already in a surly mood and looking for something watchable, I headed off to see The Mummy, the second movie reboot (that I know of) of the original movies back in the early 1900s.

NOW, going into this, I already knew that reboots tended to suck. But the makeup

the fact that the monster was a woman

the beautiful shots

they all whispered in my ear to listen to the opinions of my non-horror watching friends.

You see where my mistake was, right?

I can avoid these kinds of incidents when I write it out like this, ahead of time, but I wanted to watch so bad.

So let’s talk about the good!

Screen Shot 2017-06-25 at 12.40.21 PM

Definitely not the advertisement

The opening shots were incredible. I mean the pyramids weren’t eroded back then but okay, good enough. The backstory was pretty if not a little stereotypical.

I think I was just blinded by Sofia Boutella.

The antagonist’s catalyst actually was both terrifying and something I hadn’t seen done like that before. I liked it. A lot.

It was rushed for my taste but I figured that I’d get more of that.

I mean no, I never did. No new shots or anything. They mostly replayed the first but anyway. See? I can’t even discuss what I liked.

I’m just going to spoil the movie and save you an average of twenty bucks per person: it was an origin story. Like some sort of weird God superhero thing, yeah. Imagine. Tom Cruise. Not the hero we wanted but the hero we needed.

The movie derailed so fast I literally had to sit up and question whether I just saw the Mandela Effect in action because there was no flow. And everyone just went with it. It was so bad, a pox on all their reboots!

You know, as if they weren’t already cursed.

After our hero, who is an idiot and a robber and just a general unlikable jackass, frees the jailed mummy, he’s picked to become her chosen sacrifice. A living vessel for the god of the dead Set.

I’m still rolling my eyes and the movies been over for hours.

But anyway!

Our dear love interest, who is no charmer and is equally unlikable, is pushy about endangering just as many soldiers as he did–did I forget to mention this is in Iraq–to bring back the jailed mummy? (By the way, you’ll see why this is the dickiest move.)

They try to take it to England. Mummy murders a few people. Tom survives and no one is rolling in to harvest his immortal flesh for some reason.

Tom suffers from hallucinations and he’s being lured toward the mummy who is pretty cool and evil but sadly stuck in this shitty movie.

Tom takes Love Interest to the forest where the plane crashes. All hell breaks loose AND…and then the evil busters show up and detain the mummy.

But oh no. No no no. Not only are you mad that this bullshit is sucking the horror out of someone who should be borrowing a lot of godlike powers, you find out as you’re questioning your life choices that the person leading this circus of evil busters which Love Interest is part of is also none other than Jekyll/Hyde.

That’s when I knew I’d be writing this review.

I am so offended that something that has such pretty shots, great effects, the best potential for a reboot got this shared universe cop out bullshit. We all get it. Marvel had an original idea, please stop trying to wank to it too.

I won’t even apologize for the language. This movie was such a disappointment. The “humor” was so contrived and unlike its villains dead that I was actually getting smug about my dad-like jokes. Not a good thing for someone who hands out secondhand embarrassment like coupons outside a newly opened business.

I am so ashamed to be part of the same world that these people are in. I wikipediaed who shat this story and there were so many names, it wasn’t rocket science to figure out who screwed the pooch on this one.

I should have gotten up and left when the first five people walked out of the theater. I should have but I kept telling myself endings make things better.

Then I just got a pie to the face.

If I wanted to watch an origin movie with horrible humor, horrible characters, and horrible sense of tension, I would have just watched Joss toss it to himself by watching another Avengers movie.

I want a refund but I don’t expect it. Too many people screwed for me to be any different.

mummy

Not even drunk.

Sorry if this review came off as more of a rant. If you’d like to discuss more about how this movie went and shots and what not, you can always @ me on Twitter at @horrormovieelia.

Thanks so much for reading. We’ll talk soon!

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